Baka and the Beast
by cottonspore
Summary: Restaurant hostess Kai is busy at work until some idiot with stupid hair strolls in. After one thing leads to another, she somehow finds herself kidnapped with said idiot. How does this even happen? [Hojo Baka Trio included]


**A/N:** this sounded like such a good idea when it was in my head ;u;

* * *

"Hey hey, big head, you're not eating all of the breadsticks this time!"

"Would you keep it down? We just got here; keep blabbering and they'll throw us out."

"Would you two quit it?! It's impossible to go anywhere nice with you two always causing a scene!"

"Good evening, if you follow me I can take you to your seat."

Conversation cut short, a rowdy party of three were directed to their seats as they entered the restaurant. Though they all were a bit rambunctious, one in particular seemed to stand out from the rest and the hostess that remained at the door took note of it. Noticing her noticing him, the man winked at her and continued on with his group. One of the men with red hair caught sight of his flirting and whacked him on the side of his head, admonishing him for being himself.

Pretending not to be entertained, the hostess rolled her eyes but tried to watch the man as he was shown his seat. Several waiters walked in front of her line of sight, causing her to lose track of where the man went. It was probably his ridiculous hairstyle and cheesy flirting, but in any case, the hostess found it kind of cool. In an idiotic way. Of course.

Unaware that she was not alone, a booming voice rang out, snatching her attention away from the patrons that just entered.

"Is that all it takes? A terrible haircut and a blinking eye?"

"It's not what it seems!"

"What does it seem like?"

"You know very well what it looks like! Quit that!"

"You just told me it wasn't what it seems."

"Get outta here already, you're driving away business!"

"Hehe, as you wish."

Not taking any more than a split second, the tall, husky man that was once leaning on the counter disappeared, leaving no traces of being there to begin with. Once the coast was clear and no one of authority seemed to pay her any attention, the hostess allowed her body to collapse against the stand as if the pull of gravity was suddenly 10x stronger.

Using the little down-time she had to take a breather, the hostess also took a moment to scope out the restaurant of its occupants before she was bothered again. Scanning the sea of chattering heads and wandering waiters, she was not finding the one head she wanted to see. Looking past the family section and beyond the single-booth seating, a peculiar head with interesting hair stood out from the rest of at the table, but before she could home in on who it was for sure, a waiter walked in front of the chair in which the person sat and blocked the view.

"Kai, stand up straight and don't lean against the stand, that's so unprofessional!" came a chiding voice out of the noisy din of customers. Jolted to attention from the sudden scolding, Kai hoisted herself up and straightened her uniform out as she smoothed her hands over her sides. Her face turned red, and even more so with all of the effort to prevent it from doing so.

"Hayakawa, can you not do that? I-I'm almost about to crash from total exhaustion," Kai asked, shuffling some of the extra menus that lay inside the hostess stand.

"It's a busy night, so you need to look busy at all times." Hayakawa replied with a bill pad in hand. She took her place beside Kai at the host stand and began to look over the charges.

"I know, I know," Kai sighed.

It was a busy Tuesday night for the Lion's Den. The place was jam packed with customers having a good time and wait staff trying to keep up with the demand for it. There wasn't a single table that wasn't occupied by obnoxious laughter or idle chitchat. Waiters and waitresses peppered the scene with their tri-colored uniforms, seeming to add fuel to some of the laughter heard whenever alcohol was brought to certain tables.

Kai continued to shuffle the menus as an attempt to look busy while she searched the crowd but ended up dropping an entire pile onto the floor. Hayakawa took note of the mishap, but continued to run through the bill as Kai stooped down to pick them up.

"Kai, it's not like you to be off your game," Hayakawa teased as she was finishing up. "It's as if you're distracted by something,"

Kai continued to paw at the last of the menus on the floor before standing up and composing herself as if nothing happened at all. Her face began to glow a faint red as she cleared her throat and returned the menus to their proper slot in the stand.

"I'm not distracted, I told you, I-I'm just a little tired," Kai declared but with frail resolve.

"Oh, excuse me, I think I may have misspoke," Lady Hayakawa giggled as she slipped Kai a frumpled, paper napkin that had been torn and folded to conceal what was written from under the bill pad. "Perhaps you're distracted by _someone._ "

Kai stared at the napkin for a brief moment before she cast Hayakawa a glowering look. Though she tried to look annoyed, Kai was actually a bit excited as to what was inside and accepted the napkin, peeling back the first fold, which had nothing in it, then the second fold.

"We should hang some time, call me.." was written in cursive, followed by a name and phone number to contact them by.

"Hayakawa, who gave you this?!" Kai demanded, forgetting to keep her façade of being annoyed.

"It's the guy with the hair from that single booth. He's been watching you all night. Kind of creepy if you ask me." Hayakawa replied with a smile as she averted her eyes in the direction of the man.

Kai followed her gaze until she landed on a man with chocolate brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. Though he was a little far off in the distance, she could tell that he had some slight facial hair lining his lower jaw and maybe a faint mustache. He sat alone with beer in hand as he watched everyone else enjoy the night. Looking all over the restaurant as if he wasn't expecting her to look his way, when his eyes locked directly with Kai's, the man sat up and gave her small, flirtatious smile, pretending that he was completely caught off guard.

Kai immediately turned to face Hayakawa and looked at her through narrowed eyes.

"I saw how flustered you were when Kotaro was over here so you can't pretend that I don't know already," Hayakawa hummed as she smiled at passing customers. "I know exactly what you two were talking about so don't play stupid."

"That's-! We weren't talking about him!" Kai sputtered in exasperation.

"Oh, but you _were_ talking about **a** him?"

"Wha-! N-no, it was something else!"

"Kai, you are just too easy."

"You see why I'm exhausted?! Because I have to deal with you and Kotaro!"

"So what's his name?"

"Whose name?! I don't know who you're talking about!"

"He must still be in here, for if he had left, you still wouldn't be acting this way."

Lady Hayakawa gave a small, innocent smile. But Kai, knowing better than to take a smile like that at face value, saw past the guise and saw it as the cheeky, mischievous smirk it was meant to be.

"What are you about to do?" Kai demanded, sensing something was up.

"Hm? Oh nothing. I'm sure there's a table I need to wait on, but I can't figure out who needed to be tended to first," Hayakawa pondered as she made her way from the hostess stand and out onto the floor. A small, dainty finger pressed against her bottom lip, Hayakawa meandered through the tables until she stood behind a guest oblivious to her presence.

"NO, don't you- you better stop!" Kai fumed through gritted teeth as she motioned for Hayakawa to move away from the man she stood behind. The man wore glasses and sat with a much noisier man who wore an eyepatch. Neither seemed to notice Hayakawa as she mouthed _"Is it him?"_ to Kai.

Not wanting to make a scene but not wanting Hayakawa to bother the guests with her silly game, Kai's face bawled up into a scowl as she threw her hands about. Hayakawa watched Kai carefully before deciding to move on. She twisted her mouth and shook her head. _"Too quiet,"_ she mouthed as she waltzed over to the next table.

There sat a man with long, raven hair and a younger woman with fuchsia hair in pig tails. Despite the fact that it appeared to be a father/daughter dinner, Lady Hayakawa moved away saying _"He's too pretty for you"_ – not taking into account that he may be a little too old for Kai's taste to begin with. Kai wanted to say something back that wouldn't exactly be nice, but at that moment, a bill pad was smacked on top of her head by the restaurant owner.

"Little girl, stop wasting time and money. Take this to the table in the back, they're about ready to go."

"Then tell Hayakawa the same! Look at what she's doing – she's bothering the guests!" Kai replied as she snatched the bill pad off of her head. Of course, proving her wrong, Lady Hayakawa was actually waiting on a table and providing good customer service. Letting out an irritated sigh and avoiding eye contact with Ujiyasu, Kai trudged away with bill pad in hand. "You better be smiling, girl."

Moving past the family section back into the bowels of the restaurant, Kai looked for a table that showed signs of getting ready to go. Walking almost to the very back of the building, Kai spotted a round table with bowls and plates stacked high enough to be as tall a seated person. The three men whom she watched earlier were seated there, each looking very different from one another as if maybe they had just met each other. Making sure to wear a winning smile to ensure a nice tip, Kai greeted the men with the bill pad.

"If you gentlemen are about done, here's the bill when you're ready. If you need anything or have any questions, just let me know and I'll be glad to help-"

"You're not our waitress," said the man with the pompadour seated on the far side of the table. It happened to be the same man who had winked at her at the door. He had a disconcerting countenance that fit his rugged attire. Though he seemed to be rude, it came off more like a challenge to Kai. "Someone's trying to steal tips."

"It doesn't matter. We need to pay her so she'll go away and so we can get out of here." Said the annoyed voice of the red-head that was seated to his right. He didn't make eye contact, but it was obvious that he had endured a lot aggravation from the two men he sat with.

"You two are so rude, she's just trying to do her job. Thank you miss, we'll be ready in a sec." scolded the third man. He had platinum hair that was pushed away from his face, indirectly accentuating his prominent but attractive cheek bones.

Not allowing herself to be annoyed by the other two men, Kai responded to only to the platinum-haired man and took her leave. Kai made her way to hostess stand and took a menu from the stand to hide her face with as she watched the table she had just come from.

It seemed like a lot had happened from the amount of time it took for her to make it back to the front. The redhead had slammed his hands onto the table after shrugging off several comments his companions had made to him. Whatever it was, he stood up and made his way to the front, leaving the building. A few moments later, the nicer one of the three had thrown his hands up in defeat at whatever he was talking about with the guy wearing the pompadour, and they both held one hand out towards one another – preparing for a game of rock-paper-scissors.

"What a bunch of idiots.." Kai murmured under her breath as the two men became her source of entertainment for the moment. The platinum-haired man had already won two rounds already, and the man with the pompadour was becoming angry.

Just when the getting was getting good and the platinum-haired man flicked the other guy's pompadour, a creeping sensation surrounded Kai, only to realize a moment too late that Kotaro had manifested out of thin air again and had come back to pester.

"Enjoying the show?"

"Wha-?! WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT!?" Kai yelped when Kotaro spoke.

"I can see why you he piques your interest. You two are a lot alike."

"I know you aren't comparing me to that idiot with the pompadour!"

"Was he an idiot when you were tracing his every outline with your eyes?"

"YES, he was already an idiot when he- HEY! I-I was not tracing his every outline- don't you have something better to do?!"

Kotaro said nothing and continued to give Kai the same smug look he had since he started the conversation. Meanwhile, the man with the platinum hair had already made his way to the front of the restaurant and exited the establishment. Looking around to see who was watching, the one with the pompadour eased his way up from the table and began to stretch – preparing to make a break for the door.

"What does it seem like?"

"WE ARE NOT HAVING THAT CONVERSATION AGAIN!"

"Hmph. Very well. But it looks like we have a dine-n-dash to me."

Puzzled at what Kotaro was talking about, Kai looked over at the table where the men were seated at and saw the pompadour guy try and sneak his way out of the door. Instantaneously, Kotaro disappeared then reappeared to where the man was standing and tapped his shoulder, whispering in his ear about what payment method he was going to use. The pompadour man jumped at the sudden sight of Kotaro and started to sprint towards the door, screaming as he did so.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going!?" Kai yelled as she tried to block the entrance with her body. She only got in the way, for the pompadour man simply scooped her up and took her with him.

"What do you think you're doing!? You try to skip out on your check and now you're kidnapping me?!"

"YOOO! DID YOU NOT SEE THAT BIG, SCARY DUDE IN THERE?! HE WAS GONNA DISEMBOWEL ME! MITSUNARI! KIYOMASA! FUCK ALL YALL!" the pompadour man panted as he continue to charge out of the building with Kai in his arms.

"WHAT THE HELL!? YOU STILL DON'T NEED TO TAKE ME WITH YOU! I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

"GOOD! SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT THAT FUCKER IN JAIL FOR SCARING ME LIKE THAT! AND MITSUNARI AND KIYOMASA, TOO! THEY DIPPED ON THE BILL TOO!"

With nothing but fear to keep him running, the man with pompadour ran around the parking lot until he spotted what looked to be an empty parking spot beside a SUV. Beside the giant SUV was not an empty spot, but a motorcycle big enough for two, mid-sized people. Amazingly managing to handle Kai at the same time, the man jumped on the motorcycle and revved it up as he began to depart.

"You are not going to take me with you, are you crazy?!" Kai struggled to get off but only ended up tangling her legs in the man's arm and handlebars.

"Woman, would you stop it!? There's no way I'm leaving you hear with that guy!" Pompadour said as he backed out into the main lane of parking lot.

"You idiot! He's my coworker!"

"Lady, I can't hear what you're saying, but you best put on a helmet if this is your first time on a bike!" Pompadour yelled over the roaring motorcycle as he hightailed it out of the parking lot.

"You're such a dumbass!"

"You have a nice ass, too!"

* * *

Settling down from the recent event, the restaurant was now abuzz with what should happen next. Ujiyasu, Lady Hayakawa, and Kotaro were all standing at the manager's office discussing what the next step should be.

"So they left without paying..damn. They ate a lot of food." Ujiyasu cursed as he slid his fingers through his hair.

"And those are a lot of dishes to wash.." Lady Hayakawa sighed as she realized that she would be the one on dish duty tonight.

"Hehe, no worries, boss. They already paid." Kotaro snickered as he opened the palm of his hand, revealing enough money to cover what the group of three ate.

"Then what was the problem? Why were they trying to skip town as if they couldn't afford it?"

"Let's just say they paid in advance and didn't know it."

"Oh right, what about Kai?" Hayakawa piped up, as if she was remembering something she was about to forget.

"What about her?" Ujiyasu turned towards the office to begin a safe count. "It won't take five minutes for that idiot to realize what mistake he made. She'll be back."

* * *

 **A/N:** Kotaro steals the baka trio's money + baka trio thinking they're broke + baka trio dine-n-dashing = chaos 8)

okay but anyways, this really did sound good in my head ;w; i hope the second chapter will turn out to be much better ;u;


End file.
